You know that feeling you get when you try to be seen as a human being and people, despite all your efforts to humanize yourself, still don’t realize that they’re treating you like a piece of meat. Yeah, I got a lot of that last year and like an idiot I kept trying to be human. I kept going back to talk to them because my stupid brain thinks “if I just try hard enough, they’ll get it and respect me” but it just ends up with them being deceptive, misleading, and using a coded language that I repeatedly express I just don’t pick up on. They insist I’ve agreed to fuck them because “signals”, because I am there, because I don’t fight or shut it down (because I am on their turf and lack a support). I should clarify, as I do with everyone, as I did with them prioir to the experiences - plural- for some reason I attracted multiple people around the same time. I need people to be VERY CLEAR with me about their intentions because I literally NEVER assume sex is on the menu, I’m not a very sexual person. Apparently, being nice and forgiving/ understanding/ nonjudgemental towards people equals consent now. I was straight up lied to and manipulated and when I tried to assert myself I was told that their desires and sexual aggression was my fault. I have a really difficult time navigating such personalities, aparrently. I felt guilty, I believed them and I “performed” as expected because once I realize that they will get abusive in any way I just mentally check out and do whatever is expected (this is a learned behavior I developed during a sexually abusive relationship which I was also open to discussing, and did). I fucking hate it and I fucking hate that even when I express discomfort ( which isn’t that difficult to read) I am ignored. It takes me a long time to get angry because I am trying to re-interpret/ re-imagine the situation (and the people) as less horrible than it was (they were). Which ends up with them and everyone else thinking that I’m a liar once I am finally able to address it. The fucked up part is that the lie is always in the beginning after the first tresspass and I act like it’s fine because for some fucked up reason I still feel like I owe it to them to not hurt their feelings. . . Fml. It had been years since I had been treated that way, I thought I was better.

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